I have sat down and stared at the screen a few times. Not knowing what to say, but wanting to write down my feelings. I always say that I wish I had had this blog when Jayden was born so I could have recorded my feelings as they happened. I wouldn't feel right leaving this out. Where to even begin? On October 10th we found out I was pregnant. So excited for a June baby (finally one not due in December), so nervous, so overwhelmed with so many feelings. I had an ultrasound on the 21st. I was 5 weeks along. On the 24th I had a miscarriage. I am still dealing with a lot of emotions. I still don't know where to begin. Yes, it was planned. It is never easy for us to get pregnant, so to have that long awaited positive result taken away is devastating for me. I admit that I wasn't 100% sure I wanted another baby. I love my kids, I love babies, I have just had so many complications with pregnancy, the thought scares me. The thought of three kids scares me, but I was trying to have the faith that whatever is meant to be would happen and that with God's help I can handle whatever comes my way. It's not that I wouldn't want another one, but I just have doubts about myself being able to handle another child, and the thought of another miserable pregnancy makes me queasy just thinking about it. I learned early on that choosing when to have a baby is not in my hands at all. My kids didn't come when I wanted them, they came when they needed to come. It worked out in the end with them, but the waiting and not understanding is hard.
For the two weeks that I knew I was pregnant, I had a bad feeling. One I tried to ignore, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. I felt different than with my other pregnancies. I didn't feel like shouting to the world I was pregnant. Something was just off. I wish I had been wrong, but a part of me feels that I was being prepared for what was to come. I only told one person I was pregnant. I was waiting until my doctor appointment to find out how far along I was until I told anyone else. I was surprised I was only 3 1/2 weeks along when I found out. With my other two I was over 5 weeks. I'm grateful I found out sooner than normal, that I was able to remember the feelings of joy of expecting. I'm glad I was able to see the baby in an ultrasound. Most people don't get the early ultrasounds, but I always have, and for that I am grateful.
My thoughts still run at a mile a minute when I think of all that has happened, the unknown future, the loss. I know it will work out in the end. Maybe we'll have another one. I don't know. We might be done. It's not up to me. I'm trying not to complain, to just have the faith that it will work out in the end. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel so deeply the loss of a baby. I wish I felt more positive about it. Some days I tell myself we'll have another one soon, maybe this time it'll be just a couple months. But then I think about my history and get discouraged again. It is hard to explain what it's like to be sitting talking with a doctor about possible fertility treatment, almost surreal, like I'm living someone else's life. And then to come home to two beautiful children who mean everything to me, feeling selfish that I can even be thinking about having another one when I have family and friends who will never have their own while I already have two.
To say my emotions have been all over the place is an understatement. Sadness, guilt, hope, fear, uncertainty, anger, confusion, I don't even know the words to describe. But in the end, the word that keeps coming back to my mind is blessed. In every challenge I have faced, it never ceases to amaze me to see God's hand in everything. I have been blessed with amazing friends here, who took care of me and my kids. Josh was out of town when it happened. It hasn't been easy with all of this happening during the holidays, where I'm supposed to be counting my blessings. Sometimes I have just wanted to sit and feel sorry for myself, and focus on my loss, not the blessings. But I know that is selfish, and that's not the way I want to live my life. There have been a lot of times when I have complained about certain things when they don't go my way. Then somehow it always works out. And then I feel bad about complaining, wondering why I even complained in the first place. I'm trying hard not to have that attitude right now, just trusting that one day it will all be ok, and even though I don't understand now, I will one day. Deep down I know it will be ok in the end, but that doesn't erase my sadness. After we had Jayden we spent about a year almost certain we wouldn't be able to have anymore kids. I felt almost at peace with that answer until we saw a surgeon who told me that my problem had been diagnosed slightly wrong, and that surgery was an option. It wasn't until then that I realized I wasn't completely content. The relief was overwhelming. And then I realized that anger and complaining wasn't the answer. Things always work out. And so I'm working on trying to be content once again with the possibility it might be a while before another one joins our family. I always wanted my kids to be a little closer in age, but like I always tell Jayden, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit!" Apparently I need someone to tell me that too.
I also have to say that I wouldn't have been able to do this without Josh. I still feel bad about what happened. He had been planning a hunting trip in Idaho with his brother for months as his graduation present. He was able to go, and on the one day he was out all day hunting was the day of the miscarriage. He was supposed to have two more days of hunting before coming home. Everything happened while he was out of cell phone range so by the time I got ahold of him I was already home from the hospital. He flew home first thing the next morning. I have the absolute best husband. I feel awful he had to miss his trip, but he didn't even hesitate. For him to miss hunting would be like for me to have to cut a trip short to some tropical island I have never been to, or to have to leave Disney World early. It's his ultimate dream vacation, so you get the picture. He has always been there for me.
These few short paragraphs don't really describe all of my emotions. I've been having a hard time knowing what to say, because my thoughts are going faster than I can begin to form words. So for now I'm working on moving forward, trying to have faith, trying to be patient, loving my two kids, and feeling very blessed for all that I have.
I'll have a happier post soon.
