Time Out For Women

I had a chance to go to Time Out For Women with Kathryn. I just went a few months ago, but she had never been, and who knows when we'll get another chance to go together, so why not? It was in Idaho Falls, and I'm so glad I went.

 

Obligatory selfie. 

We were trying to win an Instagram contest. Didn't, but we still like our picture. 

 

Our friend Brooke, and her mother-in-law Nancy came with us. 

I also ran into my old friend, Alicia. We met when we were teenagers at girl's camp. I hadn't seen her since college, so it was fun to see her for a few minutes. She was 2 weeks away from having baby #6, she must be a super woman to sit there all day.

 



Lana's Weekend

Lana came for a few days to play. We had a great weekend. After looking through all the pictures I realized we have no pictures of the kids. They were around too of course, but Josh was definitely a good sport while we took off for girl time.

 

We both love Kneaders. It's an adorable restaurant with delicious food, cute home décor, and a yummy bakery. We have always wanted to go together and finally got to.

 

Of course we had to eat at Café Rio (twice).

Following Café Rio we went to the temple. 

 

We went shopping and stopped by Charming Charlie's, it's like a candy jewelry store for adults.

 

We got our craft on. Made some shirts, was so fun.

 

And of course, we watched the Bachelor. Best weekend!



Downtown Disney

I still have more days to blog, but I'm going to insert our first day here. The night before our first day in the park was my birthday. We explored Downtown Disney a little bit. It was a little rainy this night too. We wanted to eat somewhere fun, but didn't realize that the restaurants that didn't require reservations were super duper tiny. There was nowhere to sit. I can't imagine what it would be like at a more crowded time. So half of us stood and ate around a small table when we found one. It was awkward, but we had fun exploring the shops.

 

Lego Store was a big hit!

 

 

Anna and Elsa's Boutique was really cute. 

 

 

 

She begged us for a build a bear and we said no. Don't let all these pictures fool you, there were plenty of tears during the week. 

 

 

 



Shyann in the Bedroom with the Rolled up Newspaper

I murdered one of these today. 

 

Yes, murdered. 

 

And if you've ever murdered a bug, you'll know what I'm talking about. 

 

 

Actually, I don't think this is the exact thing I murdered, but I can't remember what Josh said it was so I can't find a picture of it, but it was this terrifying. 

 

And they're not kidding when they say everything is bigger in Texas.  And that's not always a good thing.



Blessed

I have sat down and stared at the screen a few times.  Not knowing what to say, but wanting to write down my feelings.  I always say that I wish I had had this blog when Jayden was born so I could have recorded my feelings as they happened.  I wouldn't feel right leaving this out.  Where to even begin?  On October 10th we found out I was pregnant.  So excited for a June baby (finally one not due in December), so nervous, so overwhelmed with so many feelings.  I had an ultrasound on the 21st.  I was 5 weeks along.   On the 24th I had a miscarriage.  I am still dealing with a lot of emotions.  I still don't know where to begin.  Yes, it was planned.  It is never easy for us to get pregnant, so to have that long awaited positive result taken away is devastating for me.  I admit that I wasn't 100% sure I wanted another baby.  I love my kids, I love babies, I have just had so many complications with pregnancy, the thought scares me.  The thought of three kids scares me, but I was trying to have the faith that whatever is meant to be would happen and that with God's help I can handle whatever comes my way.  It's not that I wouldn't want another one, but I just have doubts about myself being able to handle another child, and the thought of another miserable pregnancy makes me queasy just thinking about it.  I learned early on that choosing when to have a baby is not in my hands at all.  My kids didn't come when I wanted them, they came when they needed to come.  It worked out in the end with them, but the waiting and not understanding is hard. 

For the two weeks that I knew I was pregnant, I had a bad feeling.  One I tried to ignore, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.  I felt different than with my other pregnancies.  I didn't feel like shouting to the world I was pregnant.  Something was just off.  I wish I had been wrong, but a part of me feels that I was being prepared for what was to come.  I only told one person I was pregnant.  I was waiting until my doctor appointment to find out how far along I was until I told anyone else.  I was surprised I was only 3 1/2 weeks along when I found out.  With my other two I was over 5 weeks.  I'm grateful I found out sooner than normal, that I was able to remember the feelings of joy of expecting.  I'm glad I was able to see the baby in an ultrasound.  Most people don't get the early ultrasounds, but I always have, and for that I am grateful.

My thoughts still run at a mile a minute when I think of all that has happened, the unknown future, the loss.  I know it will work out in the end.  Maybe we'll have another one.  I don't know.  We might be done.  It's not up to me.  I'm trying not to complain, to just have the faith that it will work out in the end.  But it doesn't change the fact that I feel so deeply the loss of a baby.  I wish I felt more positive about it.  Some days I tell myself we'll have another one soon, maybe this time it'll be just a couple months.  But then I think about my history and get discouraged again.  It is hard to explain what it's like to be sitting talking with a doctor about possible fertility treatment, almost surreal, like I'm living someone else's life.  And then to come home to two beautiful children who mean everything to me, feeling selfish that I can even be thinking about having another one when I have family and friends who will never have their own while I already have two.

To say my emotions have been all over the place is an understatement.  Sadness, guilt, hope, fear, uncertainty, anger, confusion, I don't even know the words to describe.  But in the end, the word that keeps coming back to my mind is blessed.  In every challenge I have faced, it never ceases to amaze me to see God's hand in everything.  I have been blessed with amazing friends here, who took care of me and my kids.  Josh was out of town when it happened.  It hasn't been easy with all of this happening during the holidays, where I'm supposed to be counting my blessings.  Sometimes I have just wanted to sit and feel sorry for myself, and focus on my loss, not the blessings.  But I know that is selfish, and that's not the way I want to live my life.  There have been a lot of times when I have complained about certain things when they don't go my way.  Then somehow it always works out.  And then I feel bad about complaining, wondering why I even complained in the first place.  I'm trying hard not to have that attitude right now, just trusting that one day it will all be ok, and even though I don't understand now, I will one day.  Deep down I know it will be ok in the end, but that doesn't erase my sadness.  After we had Jayden we spent about a year almost certain we wouldn't be able to have anymore kids.  I felt almost at peace with that answer until we saw a surgeon who told me that my problem had been diagnosed slightly wrong, and that surgery was an option.  It wasn't until then that I realized I wasn't completely content.  The relief was overwhelming.  And then I realized that anger and complaining wasn't the answer.  Things always work out.  And so I'm working on trying to be content once again with the possibility it might be a while before another one joins our family.  I always wanted my kids to be a little closer in age, but like I always tell Jayden, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit!"  Apparently I need someone to tell me that too.

I also have to say that I wouldn't have been able to do this without Josh.  I still feel bad about what happened.  He had been planning a hunting trip in Idaho with his brother for months as his graduation present.  He was able to go, and on the one day he was out all day hunting was the day of the miscarriage.  He was supposed to have two more days of hunting before coming home.  Everything happened while he was out of cell phone range so by the time I got ahold of him I was already home from the hospital.  He flew home first thing the next morning.  I have the absolute best husband.  I feel awful he had to miss his trip, but he didn't even hesitate.  For him to miss hunting would be like for me to have to cut a trip short to some tropical island I have never been to, or to have to leave Disney World early.  It's his ultimate dream vacation, so you get the picture.  He has always been there for me.

These few short paragraphs don't really describe all of my emotions.  I've been having a hard time knowing what to say, because my thoughts are going faster than I can begin to form words.  So for now I'm working on moving forward, trying to have faith, trying to be patient, loving my two kids, and feeling very blessed for all that I have. 

I'll have a happier post soon.

Birthday

I normally don't highlight myself here, but I am because I just have to say how much I love my little kids.  They are the sweetest things ever.  All day on my birthday Sidney kept saying, "I love you, Mom," and giving me hugs with her sweet little smile.  I wish I could describe what it does to my heart.  I was at the church past their bedtime that night and I was surprised to see them still up when I walked in the door.  The first thing I saw when I opened the door was Sidney holding out a present, saying happy birthday, and Jayden holding out his, all excited.  Josh doesn't get home until I have to go to the church, so we didn't have time for them to give me their presents so Josh kept them up because they were upset about it.  I love Jayden's gift.  He made a gumdrop game and even laminated it.  And then wrapped it.  Love it!

I love my kids! And here's to one more year in my 20's.  I'm almost to the point where I'm ok with people asking me if my mom is home when I answer the door or if my kids are my little brother and sister.

I Heart Faces

At the beginning of the year I told myself I would get better at photography.  I think I might be about 1% better than I was when I started.  I have been looking at this website for the longest time, I Heart Faces.  They have tutorials and weekly challenges.  I love it.  I love looking at all the entries and imagining I'm good, which I know I'm not.  I get decent photos sometimes and a little editing doesn't hurt.  Anyway, I decided to start entering challenges to stretch myself a little and it gives me ideas of what to take pictures of.  There is a different judge each week that picks their favorite top 10 out of hundreds of entries.  So the chances of winning are slim to none.  But I came in 10th this week!  And I feel pretty cool because a lot of pros enter these contests.  The theme was shadows.  There were only 300 entries this week, normally there are anywhere from 500-800, so my chances increased, but go me!  So now that I've won, I am sharing with you.  I made another blog just for photography (since this one is private) and have entered a few other photo contests, one of which I was in the top 5, but in that one there were less than 30 entries.  But hey, I'll take it. It has also been fun getting feedback from other people, which I was not expecting, and even some followers.  Anyway, here's the link.  I've put a lot of these on my blog already, so you've seen most of them. 

Photos by Shyann

Creative name, right?  And what did I win? 

Bragging rights.

Here's my shadows picture.  Thank you Jayden, for being such a (non)willing model. I will make you dinner.

Goals

This ended up being a lot longer than I expected, so if you don't read it, it basically says I set some New Year's goals for myself and it's working.  Did my post need to be this long?  Probably not, but for whatever reason I just kept typing.

This year I set some New Year's goals.  I have only done it once before that I can remember, and I succeeded.  It was a worthy goal, let me tell you, and I was in middle school.  I wanted to have painted fingernails for a year.  I was obsessed with nail polish at that age.  I had every color before having every color was cool: red, pink, neon green, purple, turquoise, baby blue, black, neon orange, hunter green....you name it, I had it.  My nails were never boring.  Sometimes I would paint every finger a different color, but the worst was when it would start to chip and I would fill in the empty spots with a new color, and then when that started to chip I would fill it in with a thrid color.  They looked like camo finger nails, and even though I thought it was totally rad, I'm sure it totally wasn't. 

I don't know why I just went off on that, but I guess my point is, that I accomplished that goal.  There was one day in an entire year when my nails were not painted and that is when we went on our yearly youth temple trip.  Somehow having clown fingernails just didn't feel appropriate.  And this year I figured if I could set such a dumb goal for myself as a 12 year old, I should do it now.  Not dumb goals though.

I made just one yearly goal, but with some advice from a few other blogs I read, I decided to set monthly goals.  Things change throughout the year and so I sit down at the beginning of the month and decide what I want to accomplish for that month.  I've gone ahead a few months to things I know I want to do in the future, but I've allowed plenty of room to add goals and change them if needed.  I don't feel like I'm setting myself up for failure, which is one complaint a lot of people have when they make New Year's resolutions. 

So my point for this post is to offer encouragement to anyone who is lagging in their own resolutions or goals or whatever you want to call it, and to hold myself accountable.  I won't go into all of my goals, but I've become an obsessive list maker.  It's so satisfying to mark off what I have finished.  Writing everything down has helped me a lot.  I look at my February goals often so I don't forget them, and if at the end of the month they're not all done, that's ok with me.  It helps me to see if I've been unrealistic so that the next month I can be more realistic with myself.

My yearly goal is to read 20 books.  Last year I read 18, not including the 5 or maybe 8 (I don't know the exact number) that I started but didn't finish because I didn't like the content or it was a snoozer.  I've read 5 so far, so at this rate I might exceed that goal.  I've been able to read quite often lately, but I know it won't always be like this.  I like to read on the treadmill because the time passes faster for me than if I'm watching tv.  I've tried to enjoy running.  But I don't.  But that's ok with me, I'm not competing with anyone, and my fast walking, sometimes jogging, allows me to read and keep my mind off the fact that I am exercising.  I turn the tv on when I jog, but get so bored with the morning shows that are on, I go back to my book.  Maybe I should get on the treadmill when a better show is on.

Another goal I have is to Christmas shop throughout the year.  We have three birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas within two months of each other.  And the more kids we have, the more stressful that time of year has become with me trying to get all the shopping and everything done.  I used to get done with my shopping by October or November, but then had kids and all that went out the window.  So when I don't shop in advance, I'm dropping money left and right on birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, parties, etc. and I hate it.  And every year I say I need to shop all year, but the year flies by so fast, the next thing I know Jayden's birthday is here and there goes that.  So I have planned throughout the year who I'm going to shop for and when so when December arrives I can avoid the busy stores and crowds that make me want to go crazy.

My other big goal is to become a better photographer.  I read a lot, the hardest part is getting out and practicing during these cold winter months.  I love photography and there's so much to learn.  I wish I could just download all that knowledge into my brain.  It would make it a lot easier.

The rest of my goals are a lot more boring and personal, but it feels good to be setting specific goals and checking them off my list.

Stats

Jayden's 5 Year Stats:
33 lbs.-5th percentile
41 inches-15th percentile
My poor boy.  He's going to be a shrimp.

Sidney's 2 Year Stats:
25 lbs.-25th percentile
32.5 inches-30th percentile
The doctor said she'll probably be bigger than Jayden.  We really got everything backwards with our kids.

Since she just had a birthday here's the latest on the little lady.

• When she says "okay," she says it, "otay."  She has the sweetest little voice I've ever heard.
• She knows most of her colors, her favorite being pink, and she's starting to like purple too.
• She has been potty training herself for a couple of months.  About 90% of the time she has to poop she tells me so she can go on the potty.  The only time she forgets to tell me is when she is playing and having too much fun.  She doesn't tell me she has to pee as often, but I'm just letting her go at her own pace.  I'm not ready to push it yet.  And when she's tootin' away, she cracks up laughing.
• Her favorite thing to do is to cuddle up and read books.
• Before our trip in October she always went to bed perfectly.  We would lay her down and then she would go right to sleep without making a sound.  Since we got back over a month ago she has screamed and screamed at bedtime and naptime for 30 minutes to an hour.  I think it's because we slept in the same room with her for 2 weeks, so we thought once she got used to being back home she would get back to normal.  No such luck.  She has skipped her nap some days too, and I'm dreading the day she stops altogether, which is probably soon if she is anything like Jayden.
• When she's trying to do something that's too hard for her, like peel a banana or put her straw in a juice box, she brings it to me or Josh and says, "Hard.  Hard," in the saddest little voice with her head turned to her shoulder and her bottom lip puckered out.
• She likes to talk on the phone.
• Whenever she sees Christmas stuff-anything from Santa to wreaths to candy canes-she says, "Ho ho!  Ho ho!" in her sweet little voice.

Josh:
He's now halfway done with his MBA.  I wish I could say it felt like it flew by, but it doesn't feel that way. 

Me:
I've been eating a piece of cheesecake every day for the past week since my birthday.  I feel very accomplished.